My middle daughter, is deaf, she wasn't diagnosed until she was three years old after a lot of worrying and nagging by myself. She started nursery only being able to say "mummy".
I sat there and sobbed internally when I was told that she wasn't talking because I had too many other children to pay her enough attention, I kept my face neutral as the health visitor told me I had to do more to help her talk, to help her keep her concentration. I wrung my fingers as the nursery teacher told me that they couldn't communicate with her and they didn't know what else to do.
I stayed calm, I kept reassuring everyone that I would help to sort all of this out.
When she was diagnosed as having sensorineural deafness in both ears, I should have been devastated, but I was so relieved that finally people would listen to my daughter, to realise she had needs, she needed extra help, she needed extra patience.
I've dealt with the feelings of grief, the feelings of guilt that I wasn't a good enough to mother, but again we are approaching another uncertain time in her health, something that myself and all her other support network have been worried about that we have to address soon.
I sat here this morning sobbing with worry, with guilt, with the betrayal I feel every time I start to vocalise my worries about possible learning difficulties. Even writing that sentence makes me angry with myself, my brain yells; there is nothing wrong with her, she is perfect!!!!!!! How could you say that about her, how could you sit there and tell the world that there is anything wrong!!!!!
I am filled with pain this morning.
This morning my youngest daughter cried her heart out because her favourite shoes had fallen apart with wear, I hugged her until she stopped sobbing and she went off to school in her pumps.
How can I relieve the sadness in the eyes of my middle daughter when she is struggling to understand, when she is upset and frustrated, I feel useless, just a person who reports her faults to healthcare providers just so she can get extra help at school.
I still find it so difficult to talk about it without crying, parents evenings, doctors appointments, you name it I'm there falling to pieces, but my daughter, she's the one with the happy face with the skip in her step, always so loud and laughing.
She is perfect exactly the way she is.